Protecting Others
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We will all have times in our lives when we were cowards and times in our lives when we were brave. As you get older and look back on your life, you will be most proud of the times you stood up for someone who needed help, or was being bullied, belittled, or assaulted, particularly when doing so could cost you something.
Heroes
Standing up for someone who is being bullied does not have to be physical. Mostly, it’s just being the person who says “stop it” or “don’t do that”. If you stand up for someone who is being bullied or attacked, that person will remember you for the rest of their life. You will be a hero to that person.
Swedish graduate students Carl-Fredrik Arndt and Peter Jonsson were riding their bikes when they saw Stanford varsity swimmer Brock Allen Turner assaulting an unconscious woman outside a fraternity. Jonsson asked what Turner was doing and Turner ran. Jonsson gave chase and tackled Turner and Arndt and Jonsson held Turner until the police came.
Later, the woman wrote:
Most importantly, thank you to the two men who saved me, who I have yet to meet. I sleep with two bicycles that I drew taped above my bed to remind myself there are heroes in this story. That we are looking out for one another. To have known all of these people, to have felt their protection and love, is something I will never forget.
Sonia Ulrich, Marla Saltzer and Monica Kenyon were at a restaurant when they saw a man apparently put something into a woman’s drink as she left to go to the bathroom. One friend rushed to the bathroom and told the woman, “Hi, I know this is really weird but we saw the guy you were with put something in your drink.” Another alerted restaurant staff, who checked security cameras, confirmed their suspicion, and called police. The police took the drink as evidence and arrested and charged the man with intent to commit a felony and intent to use a drug to commit a felony.
Bullies
You would be amazed how much power you have over your fellow students. A boy started at a new school after his parents’ divorce. He had a large scar on his head from a severe auto accident. The other students called him “Frankenstein” and told him he was stupid because his brains leaked out after the accident. And do you know what? He believed them. He was held back twice, put in special education, and could not do his multiplication tables.
Then he moved in with his father in a different city. His father taught him the multiplication tables over the summer so he knew them cold. His father told him he was smart and he proved it in his new school by giving the answers to the multiplication questions. Then the other students told him he was smart. And do you know what? He believed them. He went on the honor roll that year and remained there every year until graduation.
If you bully someone, that person will remember you for the rest of their life. It will not be a fond memory.
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Being bullied
What do you do when you are being bullied? You can — and should — tell a parent and your school at the first sign that someone is bullying you. Research has shown that parental and school intervention generally decreases bullying.
It is also important that you respond to bullying calmly and without extreme emotion. Research shows that students who respond to bullying emotionally wind up being bullied more. Students who respond calmly generally do not get bullied in the future.
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How to be an Upstander instead of a Bystander
Several researchers have reported that when someone standing by stands up and says “STOP”, it actually STOPS bullying half of the time.
What power you have in just standing up!
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A perfect day
Former NFL football player and current ESPN football analyst Ryan Leaf wrote a tremendously moving “Letter to My Younger Self” about the hubris that took him down a very dark path and how by helping others he was able to help himself. In it, he concludes:
Actually … there is one thing I think I would change. I would treat people better. That will be your one big regret, Ryan. It won’t be your failure to make it as an NFL quarterback. It won’t be your addiction to painkillers. It won’t even be your attempt to kill yourself. When all’s said and done, your biggest regret will be that you didn’t treat people well.
Have you started to notice a theme in this book of people looking back with a deep regret for the times they mistreated others? I’ve had many failures in life, and I try to not beat myself up about them, but I find it very hard not to cringe at the times I’ve failed to treat someone kindly, particularly when I haven’t been able to apologize.
The great philosopher and basketball coach John Wooden said:
You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
The celebrated Athenian rhetorician Isocrates, a student of Socrates, observed at the Olympics that you could double the athletic ability of every person at the games and it would do nothing to better the human condition, but if you doubled the intellect of just one person, all humankind would benefit. I think that is also true if one young person doubles his efforts to help others who cannot pay him back.
A modern example of this takes place during every University of Iowa home football game, where over 70,000 fans, the officials, and both teams’ coaches, players, and cheerleaders turn toward the top floors of the UI Stead Family Children’s Hospital and wave to the young patients. “It’s a visually stunning sea of hands, and an awe-inspiring reminder for everyone inside that people see them and care about them,” wrote the Des Moines Register. The Hawkeyes could win every football game every season and it would do less to ease suffering and better the human condition than the Hawkeye Wave.
Tuck coach Wooden’s quote away in your mind and remember it anytime you are having great fun or success. Then find a way to help someone who will never be able to repay you. It really will turn a great day into a perfect day, and all humankind will benefit.
You can read Ryan Leaf’s full letter here: https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/ryan-leaf-nfl-letter-to-my-younger-self