Dating and Relationships
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One of your biggest challenges in life will be navigating dating and relationships. I have bad news: No one really knows what they are doing. Most adults have been trying at this stuff their entire lives, and we still don’t get it right! You can even find articles online about “relationship experts” getting divorced.
In fact, people have been flailing away at relationships for thousands of years. The poet Homer in The Iliad recorded verses dating back to perhaps 1100 B.C. on how “sexual pleasure and desire and intimacies and sweet persuasion” “turn even wise men into fools.” But even 3,000 years ago, tradition and law recognized, as it does today, that becoming a fool is not an excuse for whatever foolish things we do in pursuit of these feelings.
Boundaries
Most rapes are committed by someone known to the victim, not by strangers. One way you can protect yourself is to set boundaries when dating, and make your date aware of those boundaries. If your date starts pushing your boundaries, then that person is not someone you should feel safe dating and is not someone you can trust. Finding someone who respects your boundaries is incredibly fulfilling and one of the best parts of becoming an adult.
You absolutely deserve and should demand to have your boundaries respected!!!
Prior to going on a date, make a sober decision what your boundaries will be that night. Not only will this keep you safer from an assault, but it will also help prevent impassioned decisions that can lead to unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.
Pregnancy and STI
Here are the statistics for STIs:
- 1 in 4 teenagers will get an STI this year.
- For grown women out there today, 1 in 4 have genital herpes, which has no cure.
- 1.9 million Americans have been infected with HIV. Of those, over 600,000 died.
- One reason the STI rate among young people is so completely out of control is because many so-called adults have been running around spreading the lie that there is such a thing as safe sex.
Moreover, half of all pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned. Half.
Anytime a woman has sex, there is a risk of pregnancy, although contraception, used properly, can reduce that risk. There are also a bunch of fake “methods” (certain positions, bathing, peeing, or douching afterwords, times of the month, withdrawal, etc.) that are either doomed to fail or actually increase the pregnancy risk.
If you are thinking “I’ll just get an abortion”, think again. Abortion is not a pain-free option and in many jurisdictions requires parental consent. It can destroy your reproductive system and cause you serious long-term PTSD. No responsible adult wants you to think of abortion as a casual form of birth control, no matter how passionately they advocate for a woman’s right to choose. Indeed, one of the arguments for retaining a woman’s right to choose is that abortion is an intensely personal and painful choice that should belong to to the woman alone.
It is true that if used perfectly every time condoms have a failure rate of about 2%. That still seems high given the consequences. Do you want to have a condom break on you? I’m sure that’s a nice Sunday Surprise!
Moreover, the problem with this perfect use is that we are living in an imperfect world, dealing with people in the throes of passion, often intoxicated, inexperienced, in the dark, in a hurry, and intent on using a condom that has spent many hopeful years lodged inside a wallet. Is that a formula for perfect use?
There is safer sex, but no safe sex. The only safe sex is no sex.
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Hookups
Random hookups are incredibly dangerous, particularly when coupled with drugs or alcohol. Predators know that someone pursuing a hookup is particularly vulnerable. Predators count on the fact that their target may feel shame for wanting to hook up with a stranger, fear prosecution for illegally consuming drugs or alcohol, or fear reputational damage for either or both of these. So, predators believe that their victim is unlikely to report their crime to police or even friends and relatives. As a result, predators in these encounters often take their depravity and violence to extreme levels.
I cannot emphasize enough how dangerous random hookups are for you. Some people, however, will not listen to me. Therefore, if you choose to engage in this incredibly risky and totally unsafe behavior, please review the following tips from the Montrose Center of Houston, Texas. My comments are in [brackets].
Here are some Do’s and Don’ts for hookup safety [Don’t #1: Don’t do random hookups!].
If it is your intention to meet someone for the sole purpose of having sex [or “drinks”, or a “date”, or “dinner”], there are some special considerations to be aware of:
- Make the major decisions before you meet. What will sex [or anything else] be like? Will you be using protection? [Please do – 25% of women right now have genital herpes. You don’t want to be one of them. Also condoms fail a lot more than the industry admits, so the only “safe sex” is no sex.] Where will the hook-up occur? [Nowhere, preferably.]
- If at all possible, meet in a public place first. [Good advice.] Make sure you feel comfortable with the person and that they are what they purported to be. [Unfortunately, some of the most depraved violent offenders I have met are quite charming when they aren’t trying to kill you.]
- Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, leave. [Awesome advice.]
- If you’re not able to meet in a public place, do not open your door if you see more than one person outside, even if they tell you they came along for the fun. Do not put yourself in a position to be outnumbered by people you’ve never met before. [Ditto.]
If you are going back to their place [keep in mind you have no idea what or who is in their place]:
- Follow him/her in your car. Always make note of the route you took to get there. Having a pad of paper and a pencil in your car helps.
- Make note of the make/model and license plate of their car.
- Call someone when you arrive and give him/her the address of where you are and/or leave it on your answering machine.
- Leave your valuables in your car. Do not take in your wallet, watch, rings, etc.
- Once inside the home, look around. Make note of the exits. Always place yourself between the person and the exits, if possible. [Not always easy when getting intimate, but good advice.]
- Do not eat any food or drink anything while you’re at their place. You will no longer be in control if they slip something into your food or drink.
- Pay attention to whether or not the deadbolt is locked via key or turn of the lock. If by the key, pay attention to where the key is. [OK, this prospect is really terrifying. Getting locked in a stranger’s apartment would not be fun.]
If you are going back to your place [keep in mind this person will now know where you live]:
- Prior to having him/her over, remove all valuables from plain sight. Do not leave watches, jewelry, money, and/or expensive items lying around.
- Have him/her follow you in their car.
- Make note of the make/model and license plate of their car.
- When you arrive, ask him/her to leave unnecessary items in the car. If they bring a duffle bag, ask to see inside before you let them enter your home.
- Do not dead bolt yourself inside. [Of course, s/he could always turn the deadbolt and if you leave the door unlocked, this person’s “friends” could just walk through the door to help murder you.]
- Again, do not eat any food or drink while they’re at your place.
- Have a telephone in plain sight and make sure it is fully charged.
- Be aware of your exits.
One other tip I would add is to get a picture of them and their license plate prior to the encounter and send it somewhere it cannot be deleted by possessing your phone. If things get out of hand and you think you’re going to be killed, tell them “I sent your picture to so-and-so. When I go missing you’re the first person the police will be looking for.”
Part of the reason I re-publish these tips is because I think they underscore the clear danger of random hookups. Even if you follow the Montrose Center’s tips, which are well-thought out and appreciated, you could easily wind up getting raped, robbed, murdered, STI’d or all four. So, I say again, for your safety, DO NOT ENGAGE IN RANDOM HOOK-UPS. Please.
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