Dangerous Scenarios
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Your parents and I faced many of the same dangers you do, with one notable exception: pervasive technology. You would think that technology would make everyone safer, and in many ways it does. For example, cars have many new safety features that help people avoid and survive accidents. But technology also can increase your odds of getting harmed or even killed by providing predators with opportunities and you with distractions.
The internet
Would it come as a shock to you to learn that people on the internet are not always who they say they are? Yet why is it that people who know better are lured into internet relationships with terrible consequences?
Because we are human. Sometimes, we feel like the loneliest person on the planet. Our parents hate us. We have no friends. We have nowhere to turn. And so we turn to the internet, seeking a friend. And we’ll always find one. But that friend may not turn out to be who we expect.
A 19-year-old male in Wisconsin pretended to be a girl online and convinced about 30 teenage boys at his high school to send nude pictures to him. He then used those pictures to extort at least 6 of those boys into sex acts with him before he was arrested.
The following will link you to a great video about online “dating”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jMhMVEjEQg
This is a great video for many reasons. One point that gets lost on people is how many opportunities these girls had to escape prior to putting themselves in a situation where they had to fight their way out or possibly be killed. Yes, they should not have engaged in an internet relationship with someone who friended them on Facebook. Yes, they should not have agreed to meet up with that person. But even after that, a few decisive actions could have “saved” their lives had this been a real abduction attempt instead of a set up. Read the paragraphs below and then watch the video again.
The first girl was at least smart enough to meet her intended paramour in a public place. But when she sees he is not the boy she was expecting but rather a grown man, she should have run and shouted for help from the many people nearby. Instead, she walks right toward him in dazed confusion. If she had chosen to shout for help, she needs to be specific as to who she is asking for help, e.g., “You in the blue shirt, please help me, this guy is trying to kidnap me!”
The second girl opens the door without seeing who is on the other side. Once she makes that terrible mistake, she at least has the right idea because she slowly steps back, instead of walking toward the man like the first girl. But she should step back much faster and slam the door and lock it. Then call for help.
The third girl doesn’t see the boy she is expecting but gets into the van anyway. Worse, she gets into the van without even looking to see who is in the back. Had she just looked in the back prior to entering the van, she would have seen the people in the scary masks and could have immediately escaped.
Here’s another one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4sHoDW8QU4
What’s amazing about the second video is that the boys had seen the girl video just a week before, and still engaged in this unsafe behavior. One boy gets into to the same white van that was used to trick one of the girls, even after telling the driver something like “this doesn’t feel right.”
When you meet someone on the internet, you endanger yourself and everyone you know. Many of these kidnappers are looking for sex slaves that they can sell, so they don’t just want one girl, they want many girls (and boys). Once they have your phone, they can text your friends to meet “you” somewhere and kidnap them as well.
Just know that in times of trouble, you are most vulnerable to scams of every kind, including being kidnapped. You also can literally save a life by reaching out to other students who are lonely or outcasts.
Remember also that malware can allow someone creepy to watch or hear you through your computer. My personal rule is NO COMPUTERS IN THE BEDROOM. There is no way to guarantee that someone isn’t watching / listening to you through your computer, although virus detection software can definitely help.
In college this is tricky because you might need to work on your computer in your dorm room. If that is the case, at least close your computer when not in use and put your phone in a drawer when you are getting ready for bed.
Your phone and social media
When I was in the fraternity, there was this guy called “The Picture Man”, and he came to every fraternity party and took pictures of us and our guests at our charity events and ice cream socials. Every morning, he would deliver pages of “proofs” showing the pictures he’d taken, and we could order off those pages whatever photos we wanted. You could count on that.
The other thing you could count on is that one or more of our female party guests, generally hungover from too much charity or ice cream, would be at our fraternity the next morning, anxiously awaiting The Picture Man so they could rip any embarrassing photos out of the proofs. No big deal. Our female party guests basically got a retroactive pass.
Here’s the problem with your generation: everyone is The Picture Man, and they don’t deliver proofs. They post to social media instantly. You don’t get a retroactive pass. And if that isn’t bad enough, the country of China is developing search capability by image, so any employer will soon be able to enter your image into a search engine and find every embarrassing picture of you on the web. Horrifying. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it’s the world we live in and absent a collapse of civilization, it is not going to change.
That is a long way of saying you have to be extra careful all the time, but especially at parties.
You also need to realize that anything you put in writing can be used against you on the unforgiving internet, where people are free to say the most hurtful things that pop into their deranged skulls, and often do.
A young man from University of Maryland emailed his fraternity brothers a horrible racist rant advocating rape. The supposedly private email went viral. He’s going to deal with that forever. No matter what he does with the rest of his life, many years from now that horrifying email will pop up along with his obituary, not to mention in advance of every job interview.
Here’s another one: a sorority member, also at University of Maryland (what’s in the water there?) sent her sisters an email demonstrating her absolute mastery of profanity. The basic message was that her sisters were being incredibly rude to their partner fraternity, and it appears, from the email anyway, that her sisters were being incredibly rude to their partner fraternity.
In any event, a sorority sister forwarded the email to Gawker, the email went viral, everyone denounced the author as the most horrible human being on earth that week, and the author resigned from the sorority.
When I was 12 or 13, this girl who was a year or so older at another school liked me and I liked her. We talked on the phone a lot, because texting had not yet been invented so that is what you had to do in those days. One day through a friend, I got an envelope from her. She had gone into a photo booth, taken off her top, and taken a waste-up nude photo to give me. Unsolicited, I might add. I got rid of it.
But what if I had been the kind of guy that would show that photo to everyone she and I knew? A lot of guys back then would have done that, and could have done damage to her reputation.
Now, you live in a digital age. Many people get convinced to send intimate pictures to others. PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT. It can get circulated widely in seconds!
But let’s say you don’t listen to my awesome advice and do that anyway. And in response, the person you sent it to says, “I’m showing this to everyone.”
A smart thing to do would be to tell your parents. Embarrassing yes, but they can be helpful and if not at least are now on your side.
In most jurisdictions, what you did is stupid, not illegal unless you sent it unsolicited. However, the person who received it, if you are under 18, is now in possession of child pornography. If that person forwards it, that is distribution of child pornography, an even worse offense.
If someone under the age of 18 sends you naked pictures of themselves or others who are under the age of 18, hit delete and respond: “please don’t send me these again”. Keeping it is possession of child pornography. Sending it to others is distribution of child pornography. These are serious crimes that when discovered are almost always charged because they are slam dunks for the prosecutor.
Your privacy online
I understand your desire for privacy online. That would be nice, but it is not realistic. You have no privacy online, even if you are the only person who views your phone and computer.
Everything you do online is tracked and stored by the companies controlling your search engines, your internet connection, your computer, or your phone. If your device is being used at work or at school, then your online activities and communications are known to your employer or school administrators.
Anything you send to someone else is by definition not private, with the exception of communications between you and an attorney where you are seeking legal advice. Apps that purport to delete what you send do not actually delete what you send or protect you against someone else making a copy of something you have sent. Even things you post online anonymously can be traced back to you.
Come to grips with the reality that online privacy does not exist. The internet is very tempting for both kids and adults, making it a great place to get into trouble. A fair number of adult actors, politicians, and other prominent people have been greatly embarrassed or ruined or even prosecuted for supposedly “private” online communications.
My wife, kids, and co-workers have access to anything I do online. Your parents should have access to anything you do online. That way, the temptation to do something that could permanently impact your future is greatly diminished.
“After you … ” and other dangers
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Parties
Did you know that you are more likely to be assaulted at a party than walking alone at night? The main reason for this is substance abuse, which is covered in chapter five.
Irrespective of whether or not you are drinking or taking drugs, parties can give rise to situations ranging from uncomfortable to dangerous. One thing to remember is that many if not most people at the party will be impaired and therefore prone to behave irrationally. Convincing them to leave you alone may require more than the normal amount of persuasion, to the point of using your voice in an unpleasant manner or even resorting to physical force.
It is also a good idea to attend a party as a group, and to have one of your group agree to be not only the designated driver, but also to stay on the lookout for the others. You can also come up with hand signals or texts that mean “save me from this uncomfortable situation!”
Resolve in advance that if someone gives you a bad feeling (this is almost certain to happen) you will get away from them. Don’t worry about offending them: odds are good they won’t remember it the next morning anyway. One good excuse is to embarrass yourself a little and say “I’m about to pee on the floor! I need to use the bathroom!”
When going to the bathroom, be very careful about someone taking you to the bathroom, following you in there, or offering to “hold your drink” while you are gone.
If someone gropes you, that is an assault. You are fully within your rights to use physical force and your voice (“NEVER put your hands on me!”) in response, and people will respect you more for doing so.
If someone tries to pull you into a room, the best place to fight is where everyone can see. Make clear by your language that you are being taken by force: “Stop trying to pull me in there! Get away from me!” If someone is standing nearby, call them out by name or description: “You in the blue shirt! Tell this jerk to leave me alone!”
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